Photo by Alexandra Kirr on Unsplash
I sometimes have this feeling that I am not enough for the things I want in life. I often think about what life has to offer and I wonder if I even deserve it? Am I worth seeing the world, have amazing friends and family? Am I worth every relationship I have built and walked away from in my life? Am I worth it?
I think we all have this fear that we are not worth all the joy and happiness in our lives. There is this doubt we have in the back of our minds that we are not deserving of these moments. We ask ourselves ‘what did we do to deserve this’; whether if it’s good or bad. I personally find myself asking that question quite often when it comes to the good. What did I do to deserve all of this?
I think in some ways we think that we deserve the bad things in our lives instead of the good. We settle for what is around us, good or bad, ugly or beautiful, and we do not try to reach for more. We accept the things that are not making us happy in life, whether it is because we stop trying to do better, or we lost faith in the fact that it’s achievable.
I’ve settled for less than what I deserve for a long time. I had allowed myself to be in relationships where I did not feel fully accepted for who I was, let alone cared for as a human being. I allowed myself to settle for people and the path that I was on because I never thought that I was good enough for the life I wanted. I got this thought in my head that the life I wanted was not a life that was made for me. I stopped trying to achieve a better life because no matter how hard I seemed to try, it always seemed far away. But I realized a while back that doesn’t mean that I should stop fighting for what I want.
One day I woke up and I was sick and tired of looking at my life and not feeling happy. I looked at my friendships and realized that those relationships were toxic and stressful. I looked at my job and the amount of stress it caused me, so I quit and I found another one. I saw how my dating life was, and I decided to change that too. I broke down my life and started back at square one. Sometimes flipping things upside down to figure out what’s right side up.
When I made these changes I was terrified. If I cut off my friends I wouldn’t have a social life. If I quit my job, I won’t be able to find a better one. When I stopped dating and focused on myself for once, I felt like no one else was going to have any interest in me. It was a scary time, but it was necessary for me to make these changes for my mental health and my personal growth. I knew that I was not going to be happy if I stayed on the path that I was on. The changes I made, no matter how much I was scared to make them, worked out for the better.
I never stop fearing the downsides of these changes. Instead, I decided to change my attitude towards them. I decided that I deserved better. I deserve everything good that life has to offer. I decided that I was worth more than my circumstances, and it was up to me to make better ones.
Everything in my life is getting better. I still have my low moments. We all do, but I no longer let them define my life. But since I’m so used to my life before, where I felt like I couldn’t breathe, I sometimes question if I am worthy of the life I’m building for myself. I know it’s going to take a long time to get rid of that doubt, maybe it will never truly go away. The only thing I can do is to remind myself that I am worth it, and I deserve the entire world and more. We all do.
Everyone, anywhere, at any age, you all deserve the world. When you lead with a good heart, joy, and positivity around you, you deserve every ounce of good in this life. If you’re having a bad day, you’re crying in your car asking yourself what’s the point, just know that in even our worst moments, we can turn it around and make it better.
It’s okay to cry and scream at the world. Hey, I do it on a monthly basis. But take it from me, never stop at the screaming and crying. Push through it and work towards your worth every day. Good things don’t come to those that wait. No matter how many times people say it. Good things come to those who see them and do everything they can to be worth those good things.
Let’s completely ditch this idea of being not deserving. Because there is no good thing that a good person does not deserve. Trust me. We all can do better. Do not settle for just ‘good enough’.
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